Tuesday, April 03, 2007

My Boys

I suppose it was inevitable that all this talk about having kids would eventually lead to talk of not having any. Any more, anyway. I have a conundrum for my boys out there who I know are reading. I’ve been researching vasectomies lately, meaning I’ve gone to Wikipedia (which has some links to things that made even me blush) and was shown to a link about the No-Scalpel Vasectomy, which had my complete attention. Now, to me No Scalpel means just that: no knife cutting on the parts I hold dear. But this site states “ … a fine pair of instruments is used to create an opening in the scrotum.” But what it doesn’t tell us is what they mean by “a fine pair of instruments.” In fact, I can’t find that anywhere and that, above all else, is what I would like to know. What I need to know. Is it nail clippers? An awl? Ballpoint pen? Or is it some sort of musical instrument, a trombone perhaps? Has anyone out there had one of these? And lived to tell about it? The other problem with that piece of information is that they call it “an opening.” Not a cut, not an incision. “Opening” conjures up images of a rip or tear to me.

Kristy and I have discussed it and we feel very fortunate with our four healthy kids and see no reason to push our luck. We couldn’t afford a fifth anyway, so it would have to be raised by C, living under his bed in his room, fed whatever C could scrounge from the dinner table. So I’ve been online, looking at information, and I found that Kristy will have to go with me to sign a form saying it’s okay for me to get a vasectomy. The list of things around this house that I am not allowed to do is staggering, and growing every day, so I would hope that the one area of my life where I have total and complete control would be over my very own scrotum. But apparently not. I have to get permission from the wife. Kristy will have to give her consent for an opening to be made in my bag by an unspecified instrument, something she’s threatened to do herself many times, yet here we are about to pay to have it done by a professional found on the internet.

If any of you know what the No-Scalpel method is all about then please share. Meanwhile, we’ll be making the appointments, signing off on the carnage and asking a lot of questions. Question number one: Can I bring my own fine instrument? Question number two: Can that instrument be a scalpel?

[The picture of JP up there has nothing whatsoever to do with a vasectomy, this is just how he was dressed when I got home from work and I like the picture.]


dwayne said...

i have this greaqt xacto that might work

Shannon said...

it is a laser, silly.

but the way you wrote it is much funnier.

Christa said...

I'm tempted to climb onto my soapbox about exerting control over one's reproductive organs; however, since Urf! is not a politcal blog, I'll keep my mouth shut. Best of luck with the snippy-snip.

Secret Agent Mom said...

I know no daddy wants to hear it, but 10 cm (times 4!) beats 3/8" any day.

Kristy said...

It's not a laser. The website specifically says there is no such thing as a laser vasectomy--it's a myth.

Stacey Greenberg said...

i really hope you start a trend!! ;)

last time i was at dr. l's they were doing on in the next room like it was nothing!

naomi said...

My husband had a no-scalpel vasectomy earlier this year (quite possibly while Stacey was in the next room) and he recommends it to other guys constantly. The only negative for him is there's no scar to show off at parties.

It does involve snipping one teensy hole (medical term: "opening") in the skin near the centerline of your scrotum (medical term: "ballsack") but the surgery was quick and painless and he was healed up within a few days.

In fact, the whole thing was such a breeze, I bet you could totally do it yourself with a glass of scotch to steady your nerves and a good friend to hold the mirror and murmur encouragement. Oh, and you'd need a fine pair of instruments, of course.

Shannon said...

ok, not a lazer. i am thinking s with a constant kick to the appropriate area. one hour ought to do it.

Ashley said...

Wedding - $10,000
Wifes aniversary presents - $1,000
Never again having control over your ballsac - priceless